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By: Douglas Meron
One of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves is learn to set personal boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries. So what is a boundary? Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set in relationships. Some of us, through no fault of our own, have trouble identifying where their physical boundaries end and other people’s physical boundaries begin. Besides physical boundaries, there are emotional boundaries, time boundaries, sexual boundaries, material boundaries, and intellectual boundaries.
Let’s talk about emotional boundaries. We all have the right to feel our emotions. Emotions can be happy, sad, angry, fearful, etc. It is important to check in with yourself and identify how you feel. If you are feeling angry, it is not okay to take it out on your peers or other people, in general. Think about it. Would you want people to take out their feelings on you when you did nothing to deserve this? No one can make you feel angry, if you are feeling anger, take ownership of it. In Don Miguel’s book The Four Agreements, one of the four agreements is to not take anything personally. This can be extremely difficult to do. However, an individual is not responsible for other people’s emotions. If someone says something you don’t like, try your best to not take it personally. It is important to have empathy towards each other. Most often, someone may be having a difficult day and they’re saying something to you that is not about you but rather about them. You can respond to a verbal attack by saying, “when you (person’s name) say something hurtful I feel sad, in the future can you please talk to me by showing me respect.”
In addition to emotional boundaries, there are time boundaries. Time boundaries are how a person chooses to use his or her time. Time boundaries are important because people are often busy balancing their time for themselves and others. You can set a simple boundary with a friend or family member by saying things like, “I can not do this for you right now but give me fifteen minutes”. It is important to have empathy for people because they are juggling their time and doing their very best. Another time boundary is being on time for events and meetings. Say if a meeting starts at 2 PM it is important to try to arrive at at 2 PM, or even 10 minutes earlier.
To keep your body away from inappropriate touching or sexual behavior, sexual boundaries are also very important . Not everyone feels the same way about touch. Sometimes people like to give hugs. It is important to tell someone, if they touch you in a way that’s not comfortable to you, to please not touch or hug you. This is not being selfish but rather teaching a person how you want to be treated. If you tell a peer not to touch or hug you and they continue to do it, then it’s time to tell someone. Finally, if someone asks you for sexual contact and you are not interested in this person in that way remember that “no” is a complete sentence. Say no. Some of us may feel we have to say yes to this request but it is completely your choice. If someone persists in asking you after you initially said no, then it is your responsibility to report it. No one deserves to be pressured into sexual contact without their permission, this is a very serious boundary violation and should be reported immediately.
Material boundaries have to do with your belongings, such as clothes and other physical possessions. Your personal belongings are your responsibility. Often, a friend or family member will ask to borrow something from you. If you don’t feel comfortable lending out your possessions, it is your right to say no. If you borrow a possession of someone else’s, take care of it and be responsible for it.
Finally, there are intellectual boundaries that deal with our ideas and thoughts. It is important to be respectful of others’ ideas and thoughts. There are many different cultures, ideas, sexuality, and mental health challenges. Calling a person an inappropriate term such as “crazy” may very well violate a person’s intellectual boundaries. For example, it is not appropriate to call someone from the LBGTQ community a derogatory name just because you may feel uncomfortable with them expressing themselves. It is important to provide a safe environment for individuals to express themselves in a respectful manner and we need to feel we can safely express ourselves.
Setting boundaries is like learning a new language. It takes practice and doesn’t come naturally to most people however, it is a very important skill to learn. Learning to set and respect boundaries is an integral part of recovering from mental health challenges. It is up to you to teach others how you want to be treated because you deserve to be treated with respect.